IN WHICH I RESPOND TO PAT MUIR'S ARGUMENT THAT MUSTARD IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE CONDIMENT FOR HOT DOGS.
Pat, you ground your mustard-only argument in an insistence that there be some order to the world, some patch of ground where relativism doesn’t cloud an issue. I’m surprised at this fear of the unknown, Dr. Muir. I’ve known you for nearly a decade now, and you seem to revel in a bit of anarchy, enjoy a smidge of diversity. Why do you draw the line at your hot dog bun?
I’ll tell you why: Because you’ve bought into an elitist storyline, one that undermines the democratic spirit of this great nation. The United States is a country where people the world over can come and make choices. About how they earn their money, how they worship, and how they eat. Your exclusionary myth about mustard being the one true condiment flies in the face of everything that makes this country grand.
One would think that mustard fanatics would more fully embrace a spirit of inclusion. Consider the various permutations of mustards: French Dijons, German browns, Asian hots, American yellows. Defining mustard itself is a relativistic, nebulous, issue. Indeed, your insistence on a mustard singularity flies in the face of what mustard is!
The ketchup partisans are the true patriots in this country. America is an immigrant nation, and it draws its beauty from its diversity. Similarly, hot dogs taste better when they bear mustard and ketchup.