Monday, July 09, 2007

IN WHICH I RESPOND TO PAT MUIR'S ARGUMENT THAT MUSTARD IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE CONDIMENT FOR HOT DOGS.

Pat, you ground your mustard-only argument in an insistence that there be some order to the world, some patch of ground where relativism doesn’t cloud an issue. I’m surprised at this fear of the unknown, Dr. Muir. I’ve known you for nearly a decade now, and you seem to revel in a bit of anarchy, enjoy a smidge of diversity. Why do you draw the line at your hot dog bun?

I’ll tell you why: Because you’ve bought into an elitist storyline, one that undermines the democratic spirit of this great nation. The United States is a country where people the world over can come and make choices. About how they earn their money, how they worship, and how they eat. Your exclusionary myth about mustard being the one true condiment flies in the face of everything that makes this country grand.

One would think that mustard fanatics would more fully embrace a spirit of inclusion. Consider the various permutations of mustards: French Dijons, German browns, Asian hots, American yellows. Defining mustard itself is a relativistic, nebulous, issue. Indeed, your insistence on a mustard singularity flies in the face of what mustard is!

The ketchup partisans are the true patriots in this country. America is an immigrant nation, and it draws its beauty from its diversity. Similarly, hot dogs taste better when they bear mustard and ketchup.

15 comments:

Bad D said...

Maybe Craig truly believes ketchup makes a hot dog better, but that's just his bold Midwestern individualism talking. Mustard is the true complement to wieners. Ketchup is good with burgers, fries, heck even eggs, but hot dogs aren't eggs. They're juicy German goodness, and the Germans don't do Heinz.

somebodytogobackintimewith said...

What Royko said.

Hayley said...

Craig, at no point did you actually take a stand on ketchup. You skirted the issue by defending the right to support ketchup without actually expressing an opinion one way or another. And while the mustard-only camp may be militant in their opinions, they at least expressed them, which, as you pointed out, they are allowed to do. They are not, however, allowed to kill, physically or emotionally harm, or incite mass violence with their opinions (which some of them hinted at). So really, Craig. What DO you think about ketchup?

Craig said...

Quite right, Sister.

Let me state, categorically and publicly, that I love the taste of ketchup. I love its tomatoey, tangy, sickly sweet goodness. I will put it on almost any kind of protein or starch. It is the nation's leading condiment.

Bad D said...

Actually, ketchup isn't the nation's leading condiment. It's salsa.

Solari said...

I grew up eating ketchup sandwiches (ketchup, bread, nothing else) and eat most sandwiches with Pittsburgh pride. I prefer to eat pretzels with ketchup over mustard (if there is no cheese available). I even went through a phase as a kid during which I ate ketchup on pasta. With an Italian grandmother who made the best sauce on the planet. I am not ashamed to admit that I have eaten an entire ketchup pack...just to prove that I can.

Bad D and Schmidt: piss off. Heinz is pure German and pure Pittsburgh. If you and your kind can't stand the ketchup, then go back to eating berries and twigs, hippies. Leave the choice to us true meat eaters...and ketchup lovers.

Bad D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bad D said...

http://www.fotosearch.com/comp/PHD/
PHD593/200122864-001.jpg

Pat said...

Good argument, Craig ... for a jerk.

If you love ketchup so much, why don't you marry it. I can picture it now. You and ketchup walking down the aisle. Your honeymoon in Barbados. Your first child, little Montpelier Ketchup-Gaines.

But then one day you come home from work a little late, and ketchup is all like, "You think this is fun for me? Being stuck in the house with your baby all day? I used to have a life, you bastard! You stole that from me and I'll never forgive you!"

So you try to reconcile, and you cut back on the hours in the office. You patch things up, but you know all the while it's just a tenuous peace. Then one day, another late night of work, another fight, only this time ketchup insults your family. And, man, that cuts you deep.

So you slam the door, and head out into the night alone. When you come back the next day to pick up your overstuffed chair and your jazz albums, there's already a new guy in your place ... leaving you to wonder how long had that vile bitch Ketchup been playing you for a fool.

Craig said...

This is the exact sort of rhetoric I've come to expect from the mustard camp. The minute their backs are against the wall, they start shamelessly slinging Dijon.

Pat, my relationship with ketchup has endured over a quarter century, and I look forward to the next 25 with (Heinz) 57.

somebodytogobackintimewith said...

What does being from Pittsburgh have to do with anything?

If this was The Barrel, Christine would be taking Solari out back to calm him down right now. . .

somebodytogobackintimewith said...

Pat's post made me hallucinate.

Solari said...

Mr. Schmidthead,

We Pittsburghers take plenty of pride in calling Heinz our own. Heard of Heinz Field? They ain't pouring any BS mustard when the Steelers get into the Heinz Red Zone, I'll tell you that much. Find me a football stadium named after a jar of mustard - THAT is how real Pittsburghers -- nay, real Americans -- feel about ketchup.

Sincerely,
H.J. Heinz

The City Desk said...

I vote that we all gang up on Solari for putting ketchup on pretzels.

Pretzelskra?

For chrissake.

Spotty said...

I believe it's an unstated law that once you get your driver's license, you can no longer put ketchup on hot dogs. Or maybe it's when you start to grow pubes...

...Either way, don't put ketchup on hot dogs. That's for tarts, weirdos, sluts, motorheads, dweebies and dickheads. It's fine when you're a kid- you don't know any better. Be an adult- use mustard. Onions and relish are also acceptable.

Unless of course, dear Gaines, you put ketchup on hot dogs while you are in your van, handing out free candy at playgrounds.