- The Intercontinental Congress on Heterosexual Relationships is set to vote on an amended definition of an attractive male to include "skinny sports geeks who talk too much about the Internet and gesticulate with sweaty palms." Experts say this should increase the pool of women interested in me from zero to 3.2 trillion.
- The Global Club of Historians is mulling whether to redefine a successful military campaign as one "whose aftermath is poorly, it at all, planned, leading to an ambiguous occupation and possibly civil war." Sources say the Bush administration is working behind the scenes to pass this measure.
- The American Society of Sports Scribes is debating a proposal to adjust the definition of a storied football franchise to include ones that "achieve one playoff victory during a decade when the team has the greatest running back ever, a Hall of Fame middle linebacker, elite receiving corps, strong secondary, and villainous ownership." This would place the Detroit Lions in the pantheon that includes the Green Bay Packers, San Francisco 49ers, and Pittsburgh Steelers.
Finally, the International Astronomical Union's proposed new definition of a planet reads as such: "A planet is a celestial body that (a) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (b) is in orbit around a star, and is neither a star nor a satellite of a planet."
Guess this could qualify Dr. Phil as a planet, then, huh?